Why This Kolaveri Di...?

Brilliant Answers by a student who got 0% :)

                                                       
Q- In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?              
A- His last battle !                                
                                                       
Q- Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A- At the bottom of the page !                        
                                                       
Q- What's the main reason for Divorce?              
A- Marriage!                                          
                                                       
Q- river Ganges flows in which state?                
A- Liquid state !                                    
                                                       
Q- When was Mahatma Gandhi born?                      
A- On his birthday !                                
                                                       
Q- How will u distribute 8 mangoes among 6 people?    
A- By preparing mango shake....                      
                                                       

Recognition

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection.

One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

- Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:

Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go!  
One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:

- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! Horse slowly responded..

That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on....

Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

-        It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!

Understanding the Customer ....

Man: "My wife is going to commit suicide from a window of your hotel.... please come fast!".


Manager: "Sorry sir, its your personal matter."

Man: "Hurry .. you idiot..., the window is NOT opening !!!

Advice....

Mr. Patel, who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department , asked his accountant Mr. Shah for advice on what to wear on the occasion.  "Wear your shabbiest clothing.  Let him think you are a pauper", the accountant replied.  Then he asked his Lawer, Mr. Bhatt, the same question, but got the opposite advice. " Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
 
Confused, Mr. Patel went to his pundit, Mr. Joshi and told him of the contradictory advice and requested some resolution on the dilemma.
 
"Let me tell you a story". Replied the Pundit Joshi.  "A girl about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and she waid 'wear a heavy Punjabi suit with a nice long Dupatta.' But when she asked her best friend, she got an opposite advice, 'Wear your most revealing negligee with a plunging neckline.'
 
Confused and irritated Mr. Patel asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department ?"
 
"Simple", replied Pundit Joshi, "It doesn't matter what you wear, your are anyways going to get screwed !"
 

Mulla Nasruddin

Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him.
Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?"
"Of course."
"Have you ever seen me before?"
"Never."
"Then how do you know it was me?"

7 Funniest Contradictory Words

1. Clearly Misundrstood

 

2. Exact Estimate

3. Small Crowd

4. Act Naturally

5. Found Missing

6. Fully Empty

7. Happily Married

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will
come true."

 The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.  The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

 Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
 The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".  He was so contented with his beer pool.

 The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH**!!!!!!!.........IT"

 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in

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CORPORATE LESSON # 2

 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

 The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
 After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
 looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
 The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

 He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his
 eyes from her leg.

 Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
 The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

 Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
 Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance
 and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
 retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

 It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps her self up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

 Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob.

 Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

 Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the  woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

 "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

 "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

FriendsSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .... never change !!!!

RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:

Maa - Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
Papa - Beta Kiska Hai.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



RESULT AGAR BURA HO:

Maa - Aag lage is mobile main.
Papa - Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.




BIRTHDAY PER:

Maa - Jug jug jiye mera beta.
Papa - Hamesha aage badhe.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PER:

Maa - Beta Bhool ja usko.
Papa - Mard ban.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Duniya badal jati hai par DOST kabhi nahin badalte...

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.........

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

Why Indian Students are Hated by Amreicans...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.   The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"   She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.   'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''   Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln , 1863' said Chandrasekhar.   The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'   She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'   At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'   The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'   Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'   Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'   Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'   The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
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Santa, Banta in Egypt

Santa & Banta went to Egypt. They saw a mummy &  were amazed to see it .

Santa : Look, so many bandages, its definitely a truck accident.

Banta : Oh yes, of course !!! They have even written the truck number : BC-1760.

Rapists Beware !!!!

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Funny Commercials Series : Changing Clothes

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Always Ask, Never Assume..........

A CNN News photographer called the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'



Life is short.......Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....

Bechara Aadmi...

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10 THINGS TO EMULATE FROM JAPAN

Each & every one of this is missing here !!!!

10 THINGS TO EMULATE FROM JAPAN 1. THE CALM Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.  2.THE DIGNITY Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture. 3. THE ABILITY The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn’t fall. 4. THE GRACE People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something. 5. THE ORDER No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding. 6. THE SACRIFICE Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid? 7. THE TENDERNESS Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak. 8. THE TRAINING The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that. 9. THE MEDIA They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage. 10.THE CONSCIENCE When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.

The Official Language

1. For your information, please. (FYI) 
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it. 

2. Noted and returned. 
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while. 

3. Review and comment. 
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it. 

4. Action please. 
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit. 

5. For your necessary action. 
Meaning: It's your headache now. 

6. Copy to. 
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache. 

7. For your approval, please. 
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. 

8. Action is being taken. 
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it. 

9. Your letter is receiving our attention. 
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want. 

10. Please discuss. 
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me. 

11. For your immediate action. 
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble. 

12. Please reply soon. 
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient. 

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities. 
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us. 

14. Regards. 
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Little Knowledge is a Funny Thing

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

ICC Cricket World Cup : India beats Australia : Photos say it all

Seeking The blessings of the GOD....




Let's beat up the competition :

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Why Australia is better in sports than India

Everybody has been wondering why Australia
is better in sports compared to India ?

After Analysis and research, it was found the
root cause was .... "The motivation factor" -
missing in Indians........

Benefits of Tea

Doctor: "What  happened?"     

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes   home drunk he beats me to a  pulp."   

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for  that. When your husband comes    home drunk, just  take a  glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.    Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and  is asleep."     

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to  the doctor looking fresh and   reborn.          

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant  idea! Every time my husband came   home drunk, I swished  with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he   didn't  touch me!"      

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your  mouth shut helps?

Psycho : The Rapist

A blonde went to a book store & said : " I want the book named :


PSYCHO : THE RAPIST


The bookseller searched his entire store, came back after 6 hours... completely exhausted & desperate.

She gave her a tight slap & said : 

"You idiot !!!  The book is named ' PSYCHOTHERAPIST. ' "

Success is like.....

Success is like fart....
..
...
...
....
.....

It's tolerable only when it's your own !!!

Why People Marry ???

Q : Why do people marry in life ?

A : So that after death, if they get heaven, they'll feel better.
and if they get hell, it will feel like home !!!


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Santa Singh ka Operation

Santa (beewi se) : agar operation ke dauraan meri maut ho gayi to tum isi doctor se shaadi kar lena.

beewi : aisa kyon bol rahe ho...

Santa : toh kya us kameene doctor ko maaf kar du ????