शादीशुदा लोगों का सर्वे

एक सर्वे के अनुसार 90 % पति अपनी बीवी से परेशान है
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और बाकी 10 % झूठ बोल रहे है !!!

मैं माँ बनने वाली हूँ...

लड़की फ्रेंड से :- "मुझे कुछ कहना है"

.लड़का:- हाँ कहो ना ।.लड़की :- समझ नही आता कैसे कहूं ???

लड़का:- कहो ना प्लीज ।.

लड़की:- मैं माँ बनने वाली हूं ......

लड़का बात काट कर :- नहींई ईईईई!!!  
ये नहीं हो सकता....
कह दो ये झूठ है ....
ये कैसे सम्भव है ....
हमारा प्यार तो गंगाजल की तरह पवित्र है........

लड़की:- अबे गधे, बकवास मत कर.... पहले पूरी बात तो सुन .....

मैं तुम्हारी माँ बनने वाली हूं....तुम्हारे बाप ने प्रपोज किया है ।।

नीली टाँग

सलीम भाई की एक टांग नीली हो गयी..
हकीम:----
शायद जहर फ़ैल गया है टांग काटनी पड़ेगी...

कुछ दिन बाद दूसरी भी नीली पड़ गयी...
हकीम:---
इस टांग में भी जहर फ़ैल रहा है ये भी काटनी पड़ेगी...

हकीम ने दोनों टांगे काट दी और आर्टिफिसियल टांग लगा दी..

कुछ दिन बाद आर्टिफिसियल टांग भी नीली पड़ गयी..

हकीम :----
अब तुम्हारी बीमारी समझ में आइ मियां..

 तुम्हारी लुंगी कलर छोड़ती है

हरियाणवी गर्लफ्रेंड

लड़की को टेडी बियर गिफ्ट देने पर रिएक्शन -:

दिल्ली वाली ..
ओ माइ गोड वाऊ सो क्यूट

लुधियाना वाली -:
ओ जी रब दी सौ किन्ना सोना टेडी हा

लखनऊ वाली  -:
या अल्लाह ..! कितना खूबसूरत है

हरियाणा वाली  -:

"र यो के दे दिया भालू सा"!!

Santa Banta ki Deewar

Santa : Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai.... tere paas kya hai ?


Banta : Mere paas bhi gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai... ... ...


Santa :  .................


         .............


        ........


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        ..

        ..



        OOOOO TERI.......   Phir saddi MAA kithhe hai ????

Two wishes........

 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing,Sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."?

Why This Kolaveri Di...?

Brilliant Answers by a student who got 0% :)

                                                       
Q- In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?              
A- His last battle !                                
                                                       
Q- Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A- At the bottom of the page !                        
                                                       
Q- What's the main reason for Divorce?              
A- Marriage!                                          
                                                       
Q- river Ganges flows in which state?                
A- Liquid state !                                    
                                                       
Q- When was Mahatma Gandhi born?                      
A- On his birthday !                                
                                                       
Q- How will u distribute 8 mangoes among 6 people?    
A- By preparing mango shake....                      
                                                       

Recognition

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection.

One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

- Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:

Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go!  
One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:

- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! Horse slowly responded..

That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on....

Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

-        It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!

Understanding the Customer ....

Man: "My wife is going to commit suicide from a window of your hotel.... please come fast!".


Manager: "Sorry sir, its your personal matter."

Man: "Hurry .. you idiot..., the window is NOT opening !!!

Advice....

Mr. Patel, who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department , asked his accountant Mr. Shah for advice on what to wear on the occasion.  "Wear your shabbiest clothing.  Let him think you are a pauper", the accountant replied.  Then he asked his Lawer, Mr. Bhatt, the same question, but got the opposite advice. " Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
 
Confused, Mr. Patel went to his pundit, Mr. Joshi and told him of the contradictory advice and requested some resolution on the dilemma.
 
"Let me tell you a story". Replied the Pundit Joshi.  "A girl about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and she waid 'wear a heavy Punjabi suit with a nice long Dupatta.' But when she asked her best friend, she got an opposite advice, 'Wear your most revealing negligee with a plunging neckline.'
 
Confused and irritated Mr. Patel asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department ?"
 
"Simple", replied Pundit Joshi, "It doesn't matter what you wear, your are anyways going to get screwed !"
 

Mulla Nasruddin

Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him.
Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?"
"Of course."
"Have you ever seen me before?"
"Never."
"Then how do you know it was me?"

7 Funniest Contradictory Words

1. Clearly Misundrstood

 

2. Exact Estimate

3. Small Crowd

4. Act Naturally

5. Found Missing

6. Fully Empty

7. Happily Married

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will
come true."

 The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.  The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

 Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
 The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".  He was so contented with his beer pool.

 The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH**!!!!!!!.........IT"

 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in

http://dainikbatoula.blogspot.com/

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

 The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
 After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
 looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
 The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

 He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his
 eyes from her leg.

 Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
 The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

 Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
 Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance
 and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
 retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

 It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps her self up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

 Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob.

 Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

 Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the  woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

 "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

 "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

FriendsSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .... never change !!!!

RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:

Maa - Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
Papa - Beta Kiska Hai.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



RESULT AGAR BURA HO:

Maa - Aag lage is mobile main.
Papa - Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.




BIRTHDAY PER:

Maa - Jug jug jiye mera beta.
Papa - Hamesha aage badhe.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PER:

Maa - Beta Bhool ja usko.
Papa - Mard ban.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Duniya badal jati hai par DOST kabhi nahin badalte...

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.........

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

Why Indian Students are Hated by Amreicans...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.   The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"   She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.   'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''   Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln , 1863' said Chandrasekhar.   The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'   She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'   At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'   The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'   Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'   Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'   Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'   The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
http://dainikbatoula.blogspot.com/

Santa, Banta in Egypt

Santa & Banta went to Egypt. They saw a mummy &  were amazed to see it .

Santa : Look, so many bandages, its definitely a truck accident.

Banta : Oh yes, of course !!! They have even written the truck number : BC-1760.